The story of my Grandma and Chinese Funeral Superstitions

A different post to my usual beauty ones! That's what I like about blogging, I don't have a theme and I like to post about what I feel like at the time. This post is LONG. I apologise. 

A few months ago, my Great Uncle (Gung Gung) passed away and his funeral was on the 29th November. My Grandma on my dad's side of the family recently passed away too. My grandma was nicknamed "por por" because in Chinese, "Geh por" means Grandma. She was buried on Monday 12th February.

It's such a long story about my grandma, she helped raise me since I was born. I always remembered being around her as she lived with me and looked after me when both parents went to work. I slept in the same room as her and my Grandad, we had a double bed and a single bed pushed up against each other. I slept next to my Grandma, and my sister slept next to my Grandpa. My grandma was a very strict old lady, she always hit me with bamboo sticks (I was very naughty and mischievous). She worked so hard in her life time. She lived in China and moved to the UK. I'm not sure the story, but I think my Dad got her a UK/HK passport (UK ruled HK at the time) and they managed to go over.

Overtime, my mom and dad grew apart, and my mom took me away. During the custody battle, I had to visit my dad every Tuesday and Sunday, but my dad ended up running away to Northern Ireland (so I was told) and my grandma looked after me. A while later, my Grandpa died and my dad lost custody because he never attended court and my mom did all the right things and still took me to see my dad even though he wasn't there.

My mom ended up selling the house they were living in, so my grandma had to move out. Of course, parents are always one sided and there are so many things said to kids which make you choose a side. My dad was never there, so it was easy to be on my mom’s side. Anyways, I didn't see my grandma that much. I regret this so much. I didn't see any of my dad's side of the family from the age of 7 until I was about 16 or 17. I only saw my dad about four times, maybe less when he would do a fly over visit.

Anyways at 16/17, I decided to get in touch with my Aunt, and she let me work in her takeaway to earn some money before university. I stayed in touch with her, and we meet sometimes (not often, but we dod go for dinner when I was at home). I saw my grandma a bit more, BUT again not as often as I should have. I didn't visit her at all, and maybe saw her about 8 times since I got back in touch.

I spent a little time with her before I moved to Korea. We went for lunch and I took her back to her care home, then helped her get ready for bed. She didn't want me to leave, but she was so tired. Anyways, I was talking to David about my Grandma, saying I was going to take her out to the park, get some fresh air, and the next day, I get the message that she passed away.

I'm not sure what made me think of her that day, but I would like to believe that she came to see me, to tell me that she was going. I regret not spending time with her. I was so stupid growing up. My grandmother was so lonely, and her grandkids rarely visited. My dad has new kids now, and I think she was super happy that she got to see them and that she had more grand kids. She never spoke english either, so living in an all english care home must have been tough for her.

Some people say that I shouldn't be too hard on myself, but I know, that deep down that I should have done better. I'm sorry por por, I never learned Chinese, but I do hope that you know this. I also hope that you're in a much better place, speaking chinese, playing mahjong, eating delicious food and of course, dancing with Grandpa.

My mom told me that Chinese Funerals were different to Western Funerals and that there are so many superstitions. Some members of my family take this very seriously, and follow it to a T! Even if you were close to the deceased, you may not be able to say your goodbyes due to these superstitions.

First things first, the deceased must be buried in a coffin, and the funeral must be an open casket. The same thing as a wake, the family who are allowed to attend, gather around the coffin, in a certain order. There are so many traditions with this from the colour of clothes, to children wearing something over their heads.
When I was younger, I remember my Grandad's death and being made to pay respects to him. It's not something I wish on any child, having to see a dead person inside a coffin! I still remember his face, and it haunts me to this day, I still have nightmares!

The second tradition is that family members must burn a special kind of incense and white candle. Also, they must burn a special kind of paper money, so that the deceased have enough money in their afterlife. Family members who attend should light incense and bow. Food is also presented to the deceased, so that they would never become hungry. Often, people have shrines in their homes for the deceased. I remember my uncle having one in his place of work. There were pictures of the deceased, fruit offerings and a place to burn incense. He would go regularly to bow, and pay respects to them. I was always afraid of it, as it was bright red, with a constant shining light. I still am creeped out by the shrines, I don't think I could have one in my home, but it's pretty common!

Colours are a big thing in Chinese tradition. At a funeral, you shouldn't wear red. Red is a common colour in China and often resembles happiness. Back in the day, I'm not sure if they still do it now, children and the grandchildren of the diseased shouldn't cut their hair for 49 days. I don't know the reasoning behind this.

Also mirrors are often hidden away in the home, or covered. It is said that if you see a coffin in your mirror, you will shortly die. My cousin's grandma (I have no idea what to call her...), covered her mirrors with wall paper, because she was so afraid of seeing this.

If the deceased is younger than you, the older people shouldn't show respect to them. They are just buried in silence. When we pay respect, we bow and say something in Chinese.

People must not attend someone else's house for 30 days, or it brings bad luck to you and your family. I remember entering my cousins house after my Grandpa's death and got scolded for it.

Children also can't attend the grave site until 100 days has past. However, they can walk past it. I was made to go to the grave site though for my grandad, so I guess it's not a serious thing.

There are certain rules too. So, my Aunty is married, but her husbands parents have a certain grave stone which clashes with my Great Uncle's. I don't know what my mum means when she says "clash" though. My Aunty can't go to the funeral, and her kids can't either, or it brings bad luck to both sides of the family.

So yeah, these are the ones I know about. There's lots to do for a Chinese funeral, and there are many more things to consider than what I've written down here. My dad had to have my grandmother buried before the Chinese New Year. I'm not sure why, but I'm glad they managed to do it before then.

What do you think of these traditions? Does your family have any traditions or superstitions for funerals?

Kelly